suhla's lair

coffee black and egg white

Denis — Thu, 30 Jun 2011 22:09:48 +0000

Keeping my mind busy, trying not to be stupid, work provides some distraction. Dosage of alcohol lower than yesterday but wondering wether I could loose or gain weight? Fragments of thoughts floating around my head but still no detailed plans what to do on July, 7th this year. Escaping the madness, but to which destination. Few days left to drown the confusion, good luck. At least June is over, a month to forget.

I am folded and unfolded and unfolding.

cause all of the stars have faded away…

Denis — Wed, 29 Jun 2011 10:07:01 +0000

Just try not to worry, you’ll see them someday!

I guess it is time for Oasis…again.

Sadness flies away on the wings of time

Denis — Mon, 27 Jun 2011 20:52:25 +0000

That’s what Jean de la Fontaine once said, but after almost an hour on my favourite bench today it seemed as if sadness was rather flying towards me. Having time to reflect is not always a good thing, it can turn against you when you start chewing up all the thoughts clogging up your mind. I certainly started to realize that something is close to snap/break on my inside which would result in my outer shell closing fully resulting in a bitter person filled with the same old resignation, running into the too well known deadend where I have already been so many times.

I’m simply asking for a little piece of happiness however reality teaches me that it’s not meant to be. What is the answer to the question, why do I seem to be stuck in the postion of an also-ran. Shouldn’t there be somebody who really likes me just as I am? I really wonder wether time does help or not, but I’d appreciate just a small hint pointing towards the possibility that all my thoughts would be simply wrong.

But now I’m closing this book (no matter who might be reading it) for today…

reality leaves a lot to the imagination

Denis — Sat, 25 Jun 2011 19:36:30 +0000

Getting the fact that something is missing in your lonely life thrown into your face is a guaranteed way of messing up your day even when you try to counteract with something to drink. It intensifies your longing, makes you wish you would be in the presence of that one person who could make you happy, maybe even feeling the warmth of an embrace, something you have been missing for too long now while enduring too many rejections and setbacks. Your thoughts are drifting towards the same old questions – the ones you’re sick and tired of – making you feel miserable and wondering for how much longer you might be able to keep up the facade you’ve been hiding behind.

I smell a hangover…

The B-side

Denis — Fri, 24 Jun 2011 15:32:37 +0000

A B-side, originally used and still often seen as a filler for the empty space, something to accompany the featured and popular part. Though nowadays B-sides are no longer of any importance I can still vividly remember the times of vinyls and how B-sides almost never seemed to be of any importance, they were simply an add-on. But if you look closely it becomes obvious that many B-sides do deserve a chance, quite often some of them turn out to be an enjoyable experience when being able to unfold completely.

The idea of comparing myself with a B-side seems to be quite fitting, just trying to keep up the hope I might get my chance one day!

why do I feel bitter when I should be feeling sweet?

Denis — Thu, 23 Jun 2011 15:40:26 +0000

Hello, hello turn your radio on! Is there anybody out there? Help me sing my song!

Whaaaaaa…but if the volume level is carefully adjusted it’ll feel good! Forever curious though why so many of my heroes of the past have vanished too quickly!

As simple as that!(?)

Denis — Sun, 19 Jun 2011 17:26:21 +0000

I love you because I love you!

Well, while handling a flight bound for the US this morning I heard a child of maybe 5 years saying these words to his mum and for a short while it made me smile. That was a very cute scene to watch and it also demonstrated how simple yet directly to the point and truthful a little child sometimes is. Makes me hoping for an opportunity to use these words as well while talking to a loved one, but somehow with each passing day my hopes of ever being fortunate enough to have one are getting smaller and smaller.

I think I thought I saw you try…

Denis — Thu, 16 Jun 2011 18:08:58 +0000

Currently my favourite part of a non-working day: Going to my preferred spot at the lake, sitting down at the bench, having music in my ear, smoking a cigarette and being completely cut off from the rest of the world. Savouring those small moments is important for me, helps me to calm down when I feel like shouting at the whole world to get rid of what has been building up inside me.

Obviously though nothing lasts forever but when those moments have passed and I am moving on with what is called life I know that – despite the fact that history painfully keeps repeating itself over and over again – I had the chance to refill my energy and my strength at least enough to go on a little longer, however still knowing that confusion hasn’t really left me.

What came first – the music or the misery?

Denis — Wed, 15 Jun 2011 21:44:16 +0000

And especially the lines following that quote taken from Nick Hornby’s “High Fidelity” do sum it up pretty well I think. However I have to continue reflecting about those words now, together with an ice-cold bottle of vodka. That might probably help me to drown all those feelings for a few hours and to forget that I just can’t reach that what once seemed to be within reach for me.

But now these days are gone

Denis — Mon, 13 Jun 2011 21:41:40 +0000

And sometimes the emptiness is almost unbearable. What might I be doing wrong?